Tell me, am I really depressed?
Because I honestly don’t understand what I am going through right now.
It started just a month or two ago, can’t remember the exact date or month. But I suddenly had this different feeling. I just find myself in tears, but not understanding why.
A feeling where I thought of shutting the world out and have nothing to see, but myself. A feeling of not wanting to think of anything or anyone. Just me and what I want. Yet, at times, I also ask myself, “what do I really want?”.
Oh, I don’t know why. I really don’t know why.
I don’t want to stop working. I don’t want to stop loving my family. I don’t want to end my life. I don’t want to put an end to what I’m doing or to what I am capable of doing.
I just want to pause.
Or is it because I lack prayer?
I just want to pause, that’s all. I want to somehow have a day of not thinking of deadlines, of doing things, to spend time where I just don’t think of anything at all. To have a day where I don’t have anything in my mind. To have a day where I just pause; because usual days are like, I need to hurry on what I am doing, I have a call in a few minutes, I have tons of stuff listed on Trello, emails to answer to, this and that.
I thought these are all stress. So, I took this online depression-anxiety-stress test and my results are not what I expected. In my mind, I was like these are all stress. Turns out, stress is of low percentage. The test tells me I am depressed.
I have a Psychology degree but here I am with an online test result, unsure of what kind of pause I want, unsure of what I am feeling. Is this depression or stress?
What is wrong with me? I thought I am strong, but apparently, I am not.